life · marriage

Random thoughts

Met Mr. I again today after what feels like so long. Actually very long uh. I only see him once a week, and last week was cut short cos after kelas agama, we had food tasting with our parents and went our separate ways immediately after. Tbh of course not enough time is spent together la but what to do. That’s why I menyampah every time I see or hear people complain about how they havent seen their SO for three days. Three days. Aku sekel kang.

I usually will perangai diva and sakat him to no end but today tak uh, berbual bukan main sopan and sweet because so long never spend time together. Until sendiri menyampah but then, menyampah sendiri apa aku kisah hahahaha.

Anw, saya ni this whole week fefeeling excited because I am thinking about the decor for the wedding. Padehal venue pun belum dapat. But yalah, after Mr. I told me to look up our caterer/decor vendor on Instagram thru their hashtag, I got excited lollz. Quite surprised he found it, not me heheh. Cos the vendor has social media presence except they don’t update often. Maybe will do a separate post on them soon. Because I want to brainstorm on the color scheme.

When he was sending me back somehow our convo veered towards having kids, and he told me he’s been wanting a kid for very long. Hahaha perangai kakak-kakak sehh hahaha. (But I know he loves kids, he is so caring and gentle with his niece/nephews, like he genuinely cares kind yang will marah the kid habis-habis if they buat salah and not kasi muka because he wants them to learn. Kena marah teruk-teruk but they still love him, asik melekat je, sibuk betul.) But it’s OK because I have been wanting a kid for very long too. Actually I only realised this desire of mine recently.

Okay the thing is, for as long as I remember, since I was a kid, I have ALWAYS had a child in the household. Since I was 2! I have always been the kakak or pseudo mother. After my parents had me, even though it was another 4 years till they had my sisters, my mother was already a nanny to my cousin who is 2 years younger, and then her younger brothers. Then my sisters came along, then my mom nannied some neighbourhood kids, then the same cousins’ youngest brother after about 8 years, and then finally, my mom had my younger brother when I was 13. So, the most latest child has been my younger brother, whom I loved and doted on and had to take care of in his first year of life because my mom had post-partum depression and was sick and physically weak for a year….

…. that is until my younger brother hit puberty….

I have finally come to terms that he is no longer my baby and my baby has grown up 😥 and because I am only the sister, he can always be grumpy with a sibling 😥

My baby that I had to take care of during the weekends, when I would be doing homework on the desktop and putting him on the mattress on the floor behind me, and turning on Vasantham Central on Saturday afternoons because there were Hindi movies and the songs entertained him to the point he will roll off the mattress during the songs… buat penat je tau. Every 15 minutes I turn around and see him on the floor. So I later learnt to put him on the corner of the mattress so after 15 minutes, he would have rolled a lot but not off the mattress… My baby who acts like a cat and pantang see people sit in front of TV on the floor because when I sit cross-legged on the floor, that is the spot for him to settle down and twist and turn before he finally falls asleep. But I need to pee but tak sampai hati to move him, so I will hold my pee until cannot tahan, except by then I also lost all the feeling in one leg and will have to drag my leg that has pins and needles to the toilet, and my pee almost bursting out. My baby who shows soooo much appreciation at every single kind of new food he can taste, going, WAHHH SEDAPNYAAAA and rub his perut and gosok his pipi even before eating, and even if it turns out he doesn’t like it, he will stop eating quietly or perangai Mr Bean gumpal the food up and hide it somewhere -.- so he doesn’t hurt your feelings.

MY BABY IS GONE!!!! Say hello to angsty teenager.

This is how I finally realised I have always wanted kids around. I know I perangai like mak-mak and people always tell me taking care of siblings is different. But no, in my case I don’t think so. I was so like a mother with him when I bring him out jalan-jalan to the point even strangers thought I was his mom but I was 19-21 then and he was visibly more than 5yo so obvsly Math no add up leh. I was practically his surrogate mother LOL especially after my parents got older and got more tak kuasa. But not their fault la, they were already 45 when they had him. He’s okay lah except I don’t like dealing with teenagers. Susah seh. Malas betul.

Hais, if only I can immediately plan to have kids after getting married. But alas, might have to put on hold until our living state gets settled because I know I will be damn stressed if I am still moving around (which is highly likely) and I don’t want to transfer my stress to my kid.

Tawakkal je la for now.


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