Salam Aidilfitri!!!

Ramadhan is OVER! 

Not what youre expecting is it lol. Nope, not what I had expected either but the past 2 years of Ramadhans have been so challenging and exhausting I can’t help but feel glad all that routine is over? I am not going into specifics because yelah tak baik bukak aib orang but subhanallah, tuhan saja yang tahu. Unfortch I was not one of those people who get to taste the sweetness of the holy month with peace and happiness. Rather, it was quite wrought with anxiety, exhaustion, anger, injustice… At work, I was constantly pushing myself to get my projects done and I was getting gastric pains everyday (for someone who grew up with gastric flu as a default childhood illness, I never did have gastric when fasting) and I literally reached home and collapsed on the sofa till buka time. Not forgetting the 4 days I was just suddenly down with fever. I dragged my feet to work everyday when all I wanted was to sleep in since I was so exhausted, and I kept yawning at work (nasib my cubicle wall is high so at least I have some privacy). Everyday I come to work and saying in my heart “Work is ibadah, work is ibadah”. I may not have gotten the time to read the Quran or go to the mosque or give alms or volunteer or do qiyam or whatever (altho I did get to terawih almost every night since we do ours at home)…  But yalah, tuhan saje yang tahu betapa hati ini niat nak buat lebih but unfortch manusia tewas dengan masa. 

I read somewhere that that feeling of regret we get when we know we shouldve done more for Ramadhan when it is leaving us but didnt, thats the feeling we will get when we are at the tail end of our lives on this Earth. Which is a scary thought but also not fair. What about all the people whose circumstance do not allow them to leave worldly affairs in pursuit of the afterlife because it is literally the thing that is standing between living and starving/bankruptcy etc? Then I tell myself again “work is ibadah, work is ibadah”. 

I believe in the power of prayer and asking Him for anything I need help with. Tipu lah kalau mula-mula during solat terawih I didnt ask for worldly things. Bulan Ramadhan woi takkan tengah sujud dowan ask for what you want esp when He tells you to pleaseeask Him for what you want. So many days it rained, so many pockets of good timings to ask Him and pray to Him. But towards the end, with all the shit that was happening, all the things I was feeling, the prayers just morphed into something like “bless me with whatever You see fit for me to get, and if I dont get what my heart desires, bless me with the strength to accept it.” 

May Allah swt accept all our deeds and prayers, and may He give us another chance to see ths next Ramadhan. And may He lighten our loads next Ramadhan so we may be given the chance to focus more on Him. 

Just one day into Raya celebrations and I am learning a lot about marriage from my elders who are all suddenly opening up stories about themselves and their children hahaha. 

One story that stoood out for me was my arwah grandma’s adoptive brother telling us about his son’s love life lol. Tapi menyentuh hati because he was laughing and tearing because he was so relieved the son found the right woman for himself. The thing abt my datuk angkat ni is that both he and his wife are not at all those upright uptight people who insist on girls covering up and if they dont they will kutuk. My datuk angkat maybe will hint hint but his wife is so gentle and lembut. Their first son married a pops hip happening socialite Malaysian girl but that girl was so… Clingy and PDA-ing everywhere, even at my arwah moyang’s hospital bed a few days before she passed away. I remember my mom waz so pissed cos like, can you not respect the elderly ESPECIALLY in that kind of a context. Cut story short, they divorced and my uncle is now married to a very friendly peramah lady and have 3 kids under 7 who are soo super active they kept talking to me the whole time we were at their house even tho its the first few times we actually met each other lol. Then that uncle’s brother, okaylah he very handsome, last time acted on Suria once (and never again it seems) so obvsly handsome guy from well off family would attract a certain type of girl right. I rmb seeing the girl at the brother’s wedding and rmb thinking, omg, menyampahnya?? She made my uncle get her food. Like every single time. She didnt want to stand up to queue at all. Lol I only rmb that bcos back then, my life at weddings = food. Ya i took offense at how mengada someone could be if you dont even wanna queue for free food at a wedding. 

Anyway, back to my datuk angkat’s story. He said he didn’t like the girl (no surprise) because 1. She doesn’t cover her aurat, and 2. She doesn’t solat. Okayy I wasnt expecting these two actually especially no. 2. I guess, people usually wont be privy to whether someone does solat or not until they get married? But I guess the girl also maybe didnt ambil hati the boyfriend’s parents. Sigh, so many things involved kan. Especially once you realise you are not just marrying that one person, you are marrying their family or at least their parents. 

Yang part menyentuh hati is when my datuk angkat was describing my uncle’s wife. She always has a telekung with her at all times, tak pernah putus puasa isnin khamis even while she is expecting their first child, she even taught my uncle to be an imam in solat. And that was the part he started crying… I dunno abt you but when I see old people cry I also want to cry. He looks so happy his son found her and married her. And their wedding, mashaallah, it was the first veryyyy simple wedding I have ever attended. 

So many lessons to be gotten from this past few weeks. About myself and life in general. May Allah swt continue to give me hidayah in the form of these little little stories and interactions so that I may find the peace I am looking for and teach me to continually be grateful for what I have. 


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